Hunger.

Yearning. Need.

The will to survive. The will to truly live. To recognize the moment for what it really is… a moment… and pour your whole self into it.

It’s easy for me to look at Sheed, and Rip, and Billups and watch and study the humanity of their movements and conclude that yes, indeed they have lost their hunger. The reason why it’s so easy for me to spot is because I know the look so well.

I lost it too.

Obsessive intensity. Borderline maniacal. An urgency to prove to yourself. So that one day you might sleep at night and know. Know that you mastered it. That you gave yourself and loved so deeply that being denied was not an option.

So that you could smile inwardly and be proud of the work you put in.

Slowly, ever so slowly, over time, the game started to matter less and less. My freshman year of college I woke up almost every morning and shot jumpers at the CCRB. The fire was there. I could not take the option of not improving. I needed it. Every nuance of the game. My game. Every ounce of brainpower. You study it. You understand it. You love it. Winning meant you gave your all. Losing was devastating.

Pick up. 3 on 3 tourneys. Ballin’ with your boys. FASA. Schoolcraft. Jedi. Classics.

Slowly the intensity faded. As responsibilities pile up, you’re forced to understand that it’s just a game. If it’s just a game, it’s little more than tic-tac-toe or monopoly. If it’s tic-tac-toe, then it’s all the same. Winners and Losers. You do your best and that’s it.

Your best. Once you start to talk about your best, chances are you haven’t kicked some butt lately. In fact you probably just got wiped up.

I think it’s safe to say I’m doing my best right now. Spiritually. Physically. Paternally. As a spouse.

But through lack of prayer, lack of the Word, lack of service and Sacraments, my relationship with God is suffering.

Through lack of focus, laziness, unwillingness to control my diet, I’m not reaching my potential physically.

Through excuses and an unwillingness to manage time better I’m not reading to the boys enough or playing with them enough.

Through conscious choice not to be sensitive, caring, and kind, I cut down my wife with hurtful tones, demeanor, words, and lack of thought.

So what good is my best if this is where it leads.

I want more than my best then. I want real results.

But this is me now. This is my frustration at the end of game 6. This is me recognizing that hunger and bodies start to fade. This is me understanding that Sheed, Rip, and Billups forgot what it’s like to be hungry. To go through the motions, make a good showing, and fool yourself into thinking you’ve given all you could give. This is me watching them and seeing me. This is me understanding what happened. It happens slowly over time.

I wish I could tell you for sure that I know how this ends. Can you win without hunger? If not, how do you get hunger back? I don’t know.

But I do know that it’s gotta start from the inside out.

(sigh)

Dear Lord… I love You so much… I’m so tired.